|THE TRUTH OF MY PERCEPTION|

fighting away the tears

2011-12-10T03:13:00.005+08:00

we dreamt of the many wonderful things future could bring us. but the good things life could ever give us were the times when we were one. but now, things have changed. like some of them said, good things do come to an end. and the end is yet to happen. but probably soon. im sure theres better to life than just holding on. but then again, i dont want time to erase my memories of your face.

god is fair

2011-12-05T01:51:00.001+08:00

he gives me the ability to learn; to be successful. and he took my ability of loving someone away.

Only once in your life...

2011-12-04T03:45:00.002+08:00

I truly believe, you will find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share them in your excitement. They are not embarrass to cry with you when you're hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool out of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to be cherished forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it feels like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before, it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, cause you find you’re quite content in just having them around. Things that never interest you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never have dreamt possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. and knowing that, i hope one day, i will end up laughing together, learning more of this wonderful life, growing and living my whole life with this special person i'd call my soul mate.

time

2011-10-27T01:30:00.003+08:00

i used to care so much that they find it annoying. and now, i tried to chill but i guess i chilled too much that most of the time, id just end up not worrying and not caring. i guess thats how time changes you. sometimes i like the changes that i see or those that i noticed in myself but in this case, i dont. i wish i cared enough.

and this, i definitely need to put in much effort into. and i need to not care much about littlest issues instead. i need to strive.

HELP ME.

a victim of boredom

2011-09-30T02:18:00.002+08:00

oh yes. its gotta be one of those days id feel shit like this. sigh. i dont know why. prolly cause being on MC for a week is really a long time. i played games the whole day. and my brain is not functioning. and i get angry over littlest things. sometimes, i really dont like sitting too long at home. sigh :(

Cancer girl, literally.

2011-09-21T02:21:00.001+08:00

When hurt, #Cancer's words can cut worse than a double edged sword.

SPOT ON!!

someday with you babe

2011-09-18T02:28:00.000+08:00

festival of lights - one day itll come true :)

one day...

2011-09-05T23:07:00.001+08:00

you and i, we shall take it a littler higher. just you and i.

160811 :D

2011-08-17T06:28:00.003+08:00

yesterday, i woke up feeling fresh, all geared up for work and i managed to make myself feel good for replying work emails that have been waiting for my replies for ages ;D

on a much brighter note, i got my final semester results in the afternoon, was anxious i feel like knocking out in the bus while waiting for the results to be downloaded into my phone and BAH! i cleared all the three modules for the third sem with one D! Damn. was quiteeeeeee upset cause getting Cs are upsetting enough but heck! cause the one i scored D was for the Procurement & Contracts module WHICH i had to shit in my pants literally to get everything(the notes) together to be memorised. YES memorised. ALL of us were kanchiong enough to read up from A to Z cause the lecturer made us panic for a moment when he CLAIMED that this module was hard to pass. MOST of the previous year students who've sat for this module - assignment and exams - FAILED. got assignment can fail. then what more for us this year without assignments AT ALL- solely 100% exam-able? hence, the panic mode. BUT THE POINT IS IVE GOT A D AT LEAST! and hes right, NO ONE got an A for this and mostly Ds :D

on a side note, i am still quite skeptical about myself getting a degree at first and even now. haha. like it just happened cause ive never thought of getting a degree AT ALL. but now. WOOOHOOOOOOO! i managed to make it through despite not having the confidence to still be able to study a year after ive left poly. insyaallah masters after afew more years of work experience? ok NOW, im thinking about it. and yup, i SELDOM am able to achieve it if i PLAN to do it cause normally for me, IT JUST HAPPEN :(

ok back, since today's the seventeenth, its HAPPY SEVENTEENTH for me and yazid! :D and since im somewhat graduating sooooon, it was a double joyous occasion for the both of us!! :DDDD

so we buke at downtowns BBQ chicken - yazids treat. was supposed to pay back since heve bought the GROUPON deal earlier but since ive passed, he treated and called it the graduation dinner/treat :D thanks yaz!

on top of that, he brought me to cold stone! been wanting to visit that ice cream place but you know, selalu no time. so yup! FINALLY!! thanks yazzzzz! :DD

and later after that, we met up with the rest of the TP troopers - just afew of them though - but it was a fulfilling meet up! i dont know, it just comes together and made things happier yesterday. and i should really thank yazid for everything cause he decided to tag along to tampines to lepak at alsalam for awhile though he was sleepy :)))

Glad last night went well. and ALHAMDULILLAH my prayers have been heard and well fulfilled :)) thank you GOD.

shit

2011-08-14T19:24:00.001+08:00

i want to buy myself a car please. im tired and hate it whenever i have to argue with my mother about petrol. fml sia.

sometimes..

2011-08-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had, but I can't because I know you won't come after me & that's what hurts the most.

ocean size love

2011-07-31T20:24:00.003+08:00

you know you have to/must treasure him and embrace the moment when you see tears in his eyes moments after he shook the hands of the kadi. and especially the teary eyes when he kissed you on your forehead.

:)

Dear God, you hear me?

2011-07-19T00:51:00.009+08:00

hey you(not God). do not. ever. ever. think highly of yourself please? i admit, what you did had such a huge impact on me emotionally. yes. but do you know that its not entirely based on that? i mean, i do not change my ways entirely cause of your ignorance towards me. i did what i did cause i myself has turned ignorant. not because you ignored me then i ignore you, vice versa. listen. if theres certain things that im always not going to be okay with, IT STAYS AS THAT. if its not okay, it will ALWAYS not be okay. not because im trying to get the hang of you doing things i dislike and trying to be okay with it. but because being cooler and more ignorant right now, i tend to 'pass it off'. i am really exhausted with your contradictory self - your hesitations and your uncertainties. and ive turned my selfless self into something worst than that. but sometimes. i dont know. i do get angry sometimes with myself for putting myself into these. but. when i disallow myself to get angry, id turn into bed crying. thinking of the uncertainties youre having and my own selfless self. why cant i be carefree from all these? well. i think that sometimes, i should just be more ignorant, do nothing at all, cut all ties with everyone and just stay alert to what i should prioritise most - in life. that is hard. yes i know. but what do i do now to vanish from all these? every littlest details worry me. and i couldnt just stop thinking about them. cause you know this is just in me. now tell me, how do i change? sometimes i feel sorry for myself but they say. why sorry for being a human? now. who do i turn to then?

If theres one thing Im beginning to regret is..

2011-07-16T03:15:00.004+08:00

..letting you come back. Cause with you, comes all that excess baggage I wanted to get rid of. With you, comes all those other emotions I thought Ive suppressed and disintegrated in to nothingness. I dont want to know who youre seeing now, or which new girl youre hanging out with. Unlike you, I am still a jealous person about such things. During my self-exile, I became composed and stern. When you returned, I found myself to be spinelessly soft for you and bending my rules bit by bit to accommodate you. And it has become more severe because now, at this very instant, I find my emotions messed up. Here I am, back to square one - furious, crying and emotionally exhausted.

waiting eats up loads of your time but.

2011-07-12T01:18:00.001+08:00

the wait

2011-07-07T00:58:00.004+08:00

it takes just one day for me to realise. today makes up a part of it. no im not sad; just utterly disappointed. im ashamed.

when i grow old..

2011-07-05T01:12:00.004+08:00

all of these lines across my face;
tells you the story of who i am.
so many stories of where ive been,
and how i got to where i am.

but these stories dont mean anything;
when youve got no one to tell them to,
like i do, i was made for you.

ive climbed across the mountain tops;
swam all across the ocean blue.
id cross all the lines and break all the rules,
but baby i broke them all for you.

because even when i was flat broke,
you made me feel like a million bucks.
yeah you do and i was made for you.

you see the smile thats on my mouth,
is hiding the words that dont come out.
and all of my friends who think that im blessed,
they dont know my head is a mess.

no, they dont know who i really am,
and they don't know what I've been through but you do.
and i was made for you...

you know that its true.

that i was made for you.

i just love to see them.

2011-07-04T00:49:00.002+08:00

its not you. its just me. i used to tell you over and over again. but look, ive stopped cause i know theres no point arguing over the same issue.

cause...

2011-07-02T06:03:00.000+08:00

...he wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk; I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine.

le sigh.

Lazy Dates.

2011-06-23T17:19:00.000+08:00

i dont need you to take me to extravagant restaurants to prove your interest in me, or make you spend money on bouquets of flowers to tell me you like me, no. its not like that for me. i just want your company. we could be in house clothes, watching movies, getting fat on oily junk food. we could be ourselves in these dates.

but now, im quite frustrated my weekends are these bad without any plans. weve grown lazier, dont we?

theres no more hope, i hope

2011-06-21T00:20:00.003+08:00

baby, i noticed that youre not always there. i know just why :) cause youre scared. scared that youll fall for my 'trap'. the trap that wasnt meant to be. when it was all for real.

now, where were you when i needed you the most?

well, just somewhere youd rather be; than with me. it happened before, and it happened again. not entirely the same but well, lets just say, youre not there when i REALLY needed you? i tried not to think too much. and. i tried not to ask for too much. afterall, im not suppose to. but.

haiz.

ill go with faith now. hgis.

i can see us waiting for all we know we'll be.

2011-06-19T05:02:00.004+08:00

On the other side, I hope everyone who sees us together sees just how happy we are.

I hope they see the sparkle in my eyes and could feel the butterflies.

Only then, i think, they might know what it feels like to be with you.

sometimes, i miss me.

2011-06-07T01:11:00.000+08:00

every night, i wonder how bad this is going to be. ive got so much to tell. ive got so much to write. but its just not the same than to have someone to talk to. it seems like im becoming the person i used to be. i dont share stories now like i always dont in the past. wah. i think itll be good man. like really good. cause in time to come, id be able to swallow all the pain and just shut the fuck up. like be angry and not show it? haha. yes. i can manage. yeah. insyaallah :)

-_-

2011-06-06T02:43:00.000+08:00

boy, ever since the wedding, i kept on thinking about you man. dayumn.

when things seem to go more wrong...

2011-06-01T23:45:00.001+08:00

you think of happy thoughts. and smile :)

oh man..

2011-05-31T02:53:00.001+08:00

every day my heart cries.

i wont.

2011-05-27T00:10:00.001+08:00

so. its a NO. and im sure i wont regret it.

sigh

2011-05-25T00:15:00.002+08:00

on a brighter note, todays a good day, but. it never fails to hurt me whenever you said that. cause it has never been that way. everrrr. it feels so cold.

im choking

2011-05-12T14:10:00.000+08:00

im foreseeing history will repeat, and when it does, ill assure you that ill be breaking down crying again like no ones business. please dont do this to me :(((((

now what am i supposed to do to make you want me properly?

2011-05-07T04:44:00.003+08:00

But, despite the truth that i know

i find it hard to let go and give up on you

seems i love the things you do

like the meaner you treat me the more eager i am

to persist with this heartbreak running around

and i will do until i find myself with you.

sacrifice

2011-05-07T02:05:00.003+08:00

when all he did was observing her all these while, picking up even the littlest movement/detail. when he sold off his beloved car to buy her the diamond ring shes been eyeing on(in her diary) and gave her cash for her next wedding. when he left cause he didnt want to hurt her more but. to make her realise instead.

dude, this guy is the material man.

im sorry..

2011-05-06T01:19:00.002+08:00

when all i can feel now is numbness and tonnes of hatred. i dont know. im just too tired for this(i guess?). and im too coward to express it. if only. if onlyyyy i can walk off without saying a word with hopes that you get the message and be OK with it? sigh.

if only,

2011-05-05T05:00:00.003+08:00

you and i.

we could be colleagues.

we could fly around the world together.

go sight seeing together.

share a room together.

and of course...

if only dreams would come trueeeeeeee

marriage, do you solve all relationship teeny weeny problems?

2011-05-02T11:54:00.004+08:00

i hope it does cause by then there should be moreeeee things to worry about, i believe. oh welllllsss...

can age stops at 23? im seeing my friends getting engaged, getting married and worst, some of them divorced or getting divorced. God, i dont want to get married so early(though of course i secretly wants it). i dont have enough money for it yet. and i doubt ill have the money by the time im 26/27/28 too. and i doubt my future other half would have that 15k my mother would prolly ask for(i bet so), unless i get married to a tycoon or someone older and financially stable of course :(

why am i feeling this way? arent jodoh in your hands? but what if it comes too early and im struggling for a yes or a no(though i do not reallyyyyy care)? why God? Why? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????

not too much to ask for

2011-05-01T18:33:00.001+08:00

ill make a difference. i will. and im sure of that :)

but sometimes it hurts instead

2011-04-27T00:50:00.000+08:00

i. am. OBVIOUSLY. not strong enough. god. please give the strength to go through this.

when the going gets tougher, it...

2011-04-25T03:28:00.002+08:00

kinda makes me stronger.

im glad ive made it clear. the talk at kallang was an emotional one for me but it was all good after that.

in one way or another, its helping and definitely will be benefiting you. and if i find another.....umm haha kidding.

im hoping this ordeal will take years. until then babyboy :)

promise ill stay close and watch you grow, bestfriend

2011-04-24T03:11:00.005+08:00

when last night ended well with a happy note,
when the last thing you talked about was love,
when everything else was in place,
when the last thing you watched was a short clip about being strangers again,
when you hope IT will never reoccur,
when you hope birthdays were the last you see of it,
when you tried to lie low though youve never been,
when the hard truth was revealed,
when your hopes smashed you right in your face with a laugh,
when you cant seem to accept it no matter how hard you tried to,
when tolerance was up to its brim,
when disappointment was felt at its worst,
when you cried not cause youre weak but cause youve stayed strong for a very long time,
when silence was deafening cause you had no more words to say,
when cold treatments seem to be the easiest way out no matter how hard you refrained yourself from doing so,
when all you felt was a mixture of love and hatred,
when you tried to say it but you cant cause the mixed emotions were too overwhelming,
when you tried to let it go but you couldnt seem to,
when you had thoughts of letting go though forgiving has past the second after apologising,
when all you believed in was time telling and healing them all,
and,
when youll finally know when youre ready to come clean, buckle down and grow,
thats when you know you have to let them free; though it wasnt the first thing that crop up in your mind.

smile baby, cause everything else will fall nicely in place :)

:(

2011-04-16T01:20:00.000+08:00

damn it has been four days and tomorrow, hell be back but the problem is im not sure what time hell be touching down at the airport. gosh. someone please reply me :( sigh. hari hari aku nangis dalam hati. sad nye :(((((((((((

awesome acoustic

2011-04-15T17:11:00.000+08:00

wish you were still here, young man.

2011-04-14T04:59:00.005+08:00

we'll always keep you in our prayers, bestfriend.

happy birthday :)

the birthday plan

2011-04-13T01:16:00.014+08:00

photos are not in order of occurence :D

so now... ITS OVER!!! :D

FINALLY!!!

it has been on my mind for months. and has been the cause that i have not been having my well-deserved good nights' sleep. you know cause i alwaysssssssssss have unnecessary worries over the slightest things; like how itll turn, whos turning up, what food to order, what to cook, what props to buy etc. yeah i know its bad man. but i couldnt help it! as much as i hate to be a perfectionist, id really love to see ALLLLL, whatevers been planned turn out as it is, SMOOOOTHLY.

soooooo. lets now reveal whats behind these hard work. since ive got plenty of time before i start on my assignment :D

first things first. i started planning this last year. yeaaa last year mann. around oct/nov? i was damn smangat lah.

initial plan was to book a chalet - the exact same chalet we tp troopers usually used to occupy when we get together during our poly days; CHALET B of aloha changi. so i went around asking for civil servants to help book the chalet since they could get it at a much cheaper rate. so i got help from achot who ofcourse gave too many excuses, imah and iylia. but was told that saturdays were NA. like you cant book at all. plan was for a three days two nights get together for the Tp troopers. but if saturday tak boleh, takkan fri and sunday aje. haha bodoh kepe.

so that was when i started worrying. i mean it was even before; especially when i couldnt get a civil servant to help until i lepak with imah and the rest this one day. haha tapi aku dah bo pian uh. i actually wanted to just book it myself. biar uh bukan civil servant rates pon takpe. but then yup when i checked, saturdays were NA. aku ingat civil servant aje cant book on saturdays. sekali public pon.

so last kopek, i went to search for hotels. with a little help from dol. i was in doubt in booking hotels cause im gonna invite so many people. and hotels are actually not the perfect venue to do so? but then where else?! takkan bwh blk. i was thinking pit but AGAIN?! so NO.

was searching for whatever chalets i could find in SG and came across one, NSRCC tapi fully booked :( aku dah tak tau ape nak buat i nearly cried. chalet tu macam maot je after i read all the reviews(yes i went thru reviews as well, omg what am i doing) and photos as well. so NOPE. no more chalets available except goldkist. stupid place and very inaccessible. so that was last on my mind.

next, i settled on searching for hotels instead. every night i would search for hotels. for the biggest room i could find at the cheapest rate. and then when i thought about the number of people im going to invite, i tried searching for apartments instead. most of them only allow a minimum stay of 7 days; like residences etc. sighhh. so it was down to three choices - studio loft at studio m, studio apartment at ascott or an apartment with one room at hotel royal. andddd of course i settled on hotel royal since its bigger than the rest - 55sqm and of course since it has a distinct location; opp dbl o and birthday boy likes clubbing. but then again, he doesnt like dbl o but nvm lah. since dorang can travel to zouk if birthday boy insist.

and i must say that i came across another double storey room two weeks before the actual day and was contemplating hard on whether to change my bookings or not. sent the photos to a couple of them for opinions but of course, no replies came in except dillah :( and while searching was a hassle already, booking it came in harder. cause i do not own any credit cards. you cant even use your masters debit card(GO! card) cause you need a valid CREDIT CARD to book. and NONE of us has it except birthday boy. wah FML! but at the end of it, thanks to my team leader since i remembered he has ALL the credit cards you can name.

so plan was somewhere there already. but it doesnt end there. cause i was worried if they wont allow sooooooo many guests in. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh

now next, comes the food. since its in a hotel and with experience from hotel re!, we werent allowed to bring COOKED food in. sooooooo. thats when PART 3 of my worries came in. i had no idea what to order. during my lunch with yazid at pastamania, i came across their brochure on pastamania delivery/catering services. and so i thought, why not? so that was part of the food lists. and also CBTL mini samplers. and following days after that, i started to search for catering services, like lee wee, pizza deliveries and cooked food from ezb. haha. hectic giler. and worst, i couldnt get help from any of the tp troopers since almost all did not reply to my messages on fb. aku dah stress/sad giler.

and then, came in the cake. the perfect cake. i spent almost every night(SERIOUSLY!!), trying to find custom made cakes from the web. and boyy was it hard to find the perfectos! and after going thru bnj, awfully chocolate, cake blogs and whatnots(i think i almost went thru ALL the options i could find on google cause i had plenty of time to decide). and so, i settled on Jaq's cake. it was affordable and birthday boy loves spiderman, so why not. theres actually better ones i guess tapi mahal giler :( like almost 200 kind of cakes. but thatll be perfect you know, cause its either a bigger cake of spiderman/one piece. awesome cakes they could bake. so creative.

nextttt, came the props. yup i even searched for props online and trying my best to find most spiderman happy birthday wordings, pictures etc. so i printed them out at you know where :P and then came the balloons. wanted to get the helium balloons tapi mahal so kirim salam. and yazid? balloons? haha thats too gay i think.

i even search for wordings for my supposedly scrap books but well i didnt manage to do it cause i was too caught up with everything else on line. gosh im sorry man. it looks like i didnt have time to do all that even though ive bought ALL the stuffs already. sigh. and thank god theres big bookshop :)

and last kopek, since i already was down with stress(work and this birthday plan), i wrote on fb asking whoever who would like to do a pot luck. actually not really that. BRING FOOD AND I PAY! sooooooo. wan replied with "aku boleh mintak mak aku buat brownies'. YOU KNOW WHAT!!!! that was what has been going through my mind!!!!! HAHAHHAHA BINGOOOOOOOOOOO! cause birthday boy suke mak wan punye brownies!! woooo! so desserts dah settle. settled on one aje cause i thought want to buat cocktail. then after that, hannan called(while i was just next to yazid dammit). so the next day i called him back. and he actually wanted to bring briyani. and BINGOOOOOOOO! birthday boy likes bapak hannans briyani!! woooooo!

butttttttttt. since i had the experience of not being allowed to bring in cooked food, i told hannan pending first. i actually thought of just cooking since its an apartment completed with a kitchen. so why not masak? wed save on alot!! soo spaghetti was the easiest, i think. and definitely one of us can cook that(NOT ME DEFINITELY!). and mushroom soup of course! :D ahhh tu aku boleh buat :)) so yup. but thennn, i thought, why not gamble and just sneak the food in? so i called hannan up and told him to cook for 15 cause i was expecting about 25 to 30 guests(through the RSVPs on fb event and also considering those who doesnt have fb but would most likely turn up).

so next was to get who to check in with me and lucky me hafiz and fil volunteered. but hafiz paitao cause he had errands to run. idiot. naseb fil tak paitao(surprisingly) and nadia came also! :DDDD so they helped me out with deco and stuffs.

lastly was the funding. so i got a few of them to transfer me the funds. such generous souls. :D i guess cause most of them are working now they could contribute 10 bucks to the food :D but of course some contributed more :DDDD. thanks guyss!!

haha so yup. that was it though there were minor things going on also here and there. and of course a week before, i just gamble and created another fb event, now inviting the pizza hut dudes, BMT mates and RP mates :D but only three RSVP. very sedih. it was last min so i don really expect many to turn up but yeah on the day itself at least fir stick on to his promise to attend :D

AND OF COURSE THERE WERE A WHOLE LOAD OF WHITE LIES I MADE/GAVE TO YAZID :D haha sorry sayang!

next came the actual day. so i woke up that morning worrying. cause i havent do the guest book! baek uh! so i woke up at 9am to work on it till 12 -_- then mandi. and met fil and nadia. they cabbed down to my place to fetch me. so i brought all the props/deco stuffs, utensils etc. and so the three of us checked in. after decorating the apartment which was quite huge i think :), we went out to get the door fringe and to do groceries shopping at bugis' cold storage. niceeee.

and then, we got im to fetch us at tong seng(since he was otw to the hotel with the cake after collecting it at hougang) since the girls want to get tapao for lunch. the cake was prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D quite small but heavy! and i think its worth it! :D

now back to the apartment, we brought the groceries in. naseb tak kene stopped by the hotel personnels. anyway its an apartment what. we need to get groceries in order to cook/utilise the kitchen yes?

ain and ujai later came with briyani and mak wans brownies. again, we tried sneaking the food in and we succeeded! wooooo! so dah tak payah worry! so we lepaked in the hall area. trying to blow balloons, eat lunch and keeping the place tidy before everyone else pops in. so yup!

next, i got worried on getting the rest to come in/sneak in. i mean the guests. so yup! it rained heavily and hafiz got stranded at home. he was supposed to be the spaghetti chef mind you. he reached ard 6 plus and bah! we got everything done in abit. with of course my help with the mushroom soup and ims help to cut all the bawangs and hotdogs :D

and then, i had to go. cause yazid was reaching bugis(by public!) luckily it was raining so i could delay the time abit and help them out :D anyway told him i got class actually. so yeahhh. i was pretending to hang ard at bugis while waiting for him. met him and we got koi and then jln2 sampai aku penat nak mampos. and then at 8 45, i blindfolded him infront of nandos. we had to rempuh the traffic lights, embarrassment, i had to deal with yazids slow walking actions while blindfolded. and damn my baju not long enough to blindfold/ tie it to yazids eyes. so i had to hold on to it till we reach the room. tangan aku lenguh gilerbabs. but anyways, got iylia and achot to go down and record a video of him. and then we brought him up :D

and BAH! the party goes onnnn. makan all. cut cake. lepak. surprisingly, edwin hamzah came. clement and mike came late :D ahmad was there as well :) i think it was a success. though the surprise was abit cocked up cause he could hear them laughing while we were outside the room. but wells. its fine cause birthday boy defintely HAD FUNNNNNNNN!:DDDDDD so yay!!

at 1, they left for zouk. i could stay in the hotel but iylia was the only one who stayed cause he didnt want to club due to work the next morning. so takkan nk stay dgn die aje. so aku balek lor. i could just go club with them but nope. confirm plus chop yazid wasted so i didnt want to see that side of him. so yup. I WENT BACK.

and the next morning, my heart broke when i heard what happened that night. had breakfast w hafiz cause yazid tak boleh bangun. and hafiz was telling me whatever things that have happened :( and i had to clear their mess. the toilet stinks like hell. aku dah macam maid. lepastu had to teman yazid pasal hes not in the right state of mind to go home. soooo, aku dgn muke busok aku walked ard bugis with two bags on my shoulders and two plastic bags of leftover food. gosh. i think i wasnt in the right state of mind as well.

i am very concern with my looks when i walk ard town, even bugis. and that afternoon, i was just so sembarang. now you know. things a girl would go through for their man. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

anyways, happy birthday sayang. hope youve had a memorable one with your loved ones and friends. may allah bless you with gd health wealth and happiness. and i wish you success in your career :D this is to make up for last years :D thats why it was extra special. I LOVE YOU SAYANG. XOXOXOOXOXOXOOXXOXOOOXXO!

and take care in bandung now.

yup. birthday boy is in bandung!!! :DDDDDDDD

ok i deserve my break now. one weeks leave that is but it doesnt end there. assignments are waiting!!!!! :((((

matter-of-fact

2011-04-03T02:34:00.001+08:00

sometimes i have my happy days too :)

2011-04-02T04:52:00.007+08:00

after all the malas mood that has been overwhelming me for quite some time, i am finally back on track, i think. last thursday, as usual i was having one of those malas-mood day. but it all ended well when max texted to inform me that our exam results were out. fuhhh. every single time, i would shiver upon getting that 'news'. this is no joke cause i really do my mugging and assignments at the very VERY last minute. so it never fail to 'excite' me whenever the results were out. so yup. i did great! alhamdulillah :) and on top of that, yazid came to fetch me from work and dropped me to meeetttttttt my usual budak kampong boys at tenage! since i did well in my exams and that im left with a month more(insyaallah) to my much awaited 'freedom', yazid fetched me at the office to congratulate me though i know he was shag from OT. anyway thank you so much!! been long since our 'hometown' last lepak session. been wanting to call adib up but no point cause i wont be free to lepak either. been caught up with work and trying hard to catch up some time on rest, other lepak sessions and stuff. so yup. thursday i made time for it since i left office quite late at 9. anyway, since adib suddenly called too to go find some stuff at parkway while i had initial thoughts of meeting them even before he called. haha baek. telepathy. adib fit and ber :) nice. and ber dah ade fb. hahaha. ber dah maju. and i suddenly realised that i miss hanging out just with ber after the 10mins or so walk from the coffeeshop to his block. i think theres so much to catch up but well. anyway. it kind of summed up the whole day with a smile on my face. while friday, it was good too cause i ended work quite early and it really feels good to be back home early and lying down on my bed while it was still daytime :) and then yazid came to fetch me after OT and then hafiz met up with us at my voiddeck just to kill some time while running errands. catch up at tenage jugak :) and then off to simpang with dol and faiqah. and then hafiz and fil and ali joined us. i think it was a one of those fridays where everyone misses hanging out with everyone cause it has been quite some time since fridays were this 'happening', since were all growing OLD[ :( ] and that most of us rather sit at home on friday nights. so yeahh. it was all good since we ended the night at 3 with some pool session over at parkway. and tomorrow, itd better be good. i want to catch up some ME time tomorrow :) and on sunday, i hope the plan goes well. i want to have some quality time with yazid. perhaps i should go google on some 'free' things to do on sunday. i want to jalan jalan. or just chill at the beach perhaps? well, i think its has been donkey years since weve last sat by the beach and just talk you know. i think im missing times when id sit by the beach just cause ive got so much free time to spare. yes i miss that.

Someone like you

2011-03-21T01:03:00.002+08:00

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

sometimes...

2011-03-13T23:56:00.000+08:00

...i get really disappointed with my ownself.

:)

2011-03-02T02:29:00.004+08:00

today. i talked to someone i used to hate in my life ever since ages ago. and today. she initiated a conversation on fb. yes. i know i judged her wayyyy too early. but how wouldnt i if my then boyfriend used to frequently talk about her? anyways whats past is past and today, i found out that she somewhat has a great personality(huh?) through that mere 20mins of chatting. haha ok. again. i judges too early but anyhoos. it was a good convo.

but tmrw, its gonna be a working day for me after a day of MC. sigh. yah i know it doesnt link but heck :(

Love is....

2011-03-01T20:02:00.002+08:00

"Love is when you can’t be apart from someone for too long. You’re always thinking of them, and when you’re with them you never want to say goodbye. Love is far from simple. It’s quite complex. It’s a mix of about everything. It’s sadness, joy, passion, hatred, excitement, it’s almost every feeling you can imagine and more. You know love when you find it, it’s that person that when they smile it brightens up your day, you can’t stop staring at them for fear of losing them, they’re always on your mind, you daydream of being with them, even if they’re less than 20 feet away. And you can’t stand it when they’re not with you, the worst feeling you could ever feel is when you know that person you love is not with you. You can’t tell when love will happen, you just know when it does, that moment when you first lay eyes on that person, and you never want to look away. That is love, nothing less."

this is what i feel too. but i dont know about you.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH NO MONEYYYYY

2011-02-22T03:50:00.005+08:00

i painstakingly saved 600 dollars for future use and now its left with 150, besides paying for my batam cable trip which was ofcourse part of the reason why im saving so much. the rest of it(5/6 of it, yes. sigh), had gone to my huge appetite for good food andddd to online shop. sighhhhhhhh

tmrw onwards, im gonna eat grass. oh wait im no vegetarian. maybe i should settle on insects instead -_- sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to have more money for cable trips!!!!!! and i want to save money for online shopping!!! and i want to eat moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee good food. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and my boyfriends birthday is in two months time! imma gonna eat shit and dieeeeeeeeeee. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

k uh. i think i should stop eating so much(no fast food and prolly more fruits than noodles) and i should start drinking ice water like what my boyfriend has been doing. or maybe HOMEMADE BARLEY or just teh :D i should i should i should.

I WANT TO TANAM MY MONEY UNTIL JUNE. SERIOUS.

tell me itll be good

2011-02-10T21:22:00.002+08:00

i cant wait for the weekends and id prolly want God to play it(this particular weekends) on repeat mode because i wouldnt want the moments to stop. cause monday, itll be back to reality :(

cause my CNY weekends sucks.

2011-02-06T03:05:00.003+08:00

right at this moment, i am looking forward to wakeboarding and then the birthday celebration at ascott. now that will do just fine for the next weekends :)

sunshine, it was a good weather today.

2011-01-23T16:46:00.005+08:00

this is to remind me that my sunday today is AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE.

cause i had a good night sleep last night. and. i woke up quite early than usual. and i brushed my teeth and tucked myself into a very nice favorite lunch of nasi goreng and a cuppa hot neslo. and im just done with cuti cuti cinta, now half way through juno - yes aku time lambat. so next, i think im gonna watch the sisterhood of the traveling pants for the 123721094870912th times. cause that happened like a year ago. haha. and im waiting for my boyfriend to text/call me after work. i hate it when he has random odd jobs like these you know why? cause he cant find time to text or anything like that. guys and their low ability to multitask. tsk tsk.

but i love you of course. haha.

and fucking hell. i just remembered picnic should be the TOP on my to-do lists. and today is just nice for it BUT. ok maybe well do it soonest. SIGH.

i know now

2011-01-18T10:27:00.001+08:00

sometimes i wonder why he doesnt tell me that im number one or maybe im one in a million or perhaps, 'youre the best'. but now, i learn to know why...

12 minutes

2011-01-16T14:40:00.003+08:00

they said ALL emotional pain last for twelve minutes in which anything longer than that is self-inflicted. but. i felt emotionally painful inside and empty since thursday. and. im preparing for the worst for tomorrow now :(

what a lengit day siaa

2011-01-11T19:38:00.003+08:00

had appointment fucking early. at 9. so since jason, my team leader had to sit in as well, he offered me a lift.

so standard aku selalu lambat. woke up at 7.30am and got myself all ready by 8.15. betol punye cowboy sia tu.

reached aljunied at 8.45 and met jason. in which we headed towards kpe. and die peh legong nak mampos. die jalan kpe yg towards hougang. mangkok.

so die peh pandai pakai gps. kite jln hougang towards cte. kire jalan one round. seriously. prolly hari bodoh die uh.

and we reached labrador adventure at 9.45am. star karat habes sia. sampai contractor aku sempat pegi tea break patah balek. perangai suar.

after that, got a lift from the contractor to another school in which lepastu aku realise i lost my card holder where i kept my namecards ezlink and atm card in. sigh.

and then pegi lah qifa. in which initial plan was actually to kentridge first -_- so then lepastu was to tanglin. meeting was good and again, i was the minutes writer. F lah.

to kent ridge after that where i bumped into my OM at the carpark whereby he gave me ock punye curry puff. thanks eh. after that thought of going commonwealth but nahh dah penat sangat.

so balek uh. dlm bus aku tertido. actually macam nak action tido je. sekali betol betol terlelap sia. tu takpe, terlepas bustop lagii. sigh. terpakse lah jalan kaki from the bustop at paya ubi.

and now, aku masih belom tido. aku ngantok gilerbabi. and penat nak mampos. its going 8 now and i think im going to like nap for awhile.

so there you go. tuesdayku yang sangat melengitkan. tuesday sia. i thought only mondays will turn out like this. im hoping for udders later or just coffee bean man at least. i need a chill pill

neighbour.

2011-01-10T21:58:00.002+08:00

cause i wish you were just a phone call away and that youll be there when i need to rant and cry my heart out cause you know what, ive got no one to turn to right now.

very interesting saturday

2011-01-09T12:12:00.003+08:00

it was saturday yesterday. and what did i do the whole day? NOTHING. yah sadly.

yazid was out for a supposedly ngee ann 10years anniversary outing with the boys but nope, there were di and dillah -_-

but well, we met at night though. i drove over to his place after hes done with window shopping with them at town and headed off to zouk. baek. zouk. it was bobs birthday. queued up to get in to get the chop(? haha takkan ticket pulak) in which dlm hati aku i kept on chanting 'kimak naseb siak aku tak club.' i felt so alien haha.

ok. so lepastu, we settled on mcd at tiong bahru. in which i dropped him off again at zouk and he joined the rest.

lepastu aku isi minyak, balek and then facebook lepastu tertido.

hurhur sedih benar pe saturday aku. sigh.

mendalam jackk

2011-01-07T13:15:00.001+08:00

Boy : I just broke up with her.

His fren : What happened?

Boy : She's just too much for me.

His fren : What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy : Well, for one... She only cared about her appearance. Always took forever to get dressed! So insecure.

His fren : So you broke her heart bcos she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise... I see...

Boy : Oh well, she often call/text me asking me where i am, who i'm with and telling me not to flirt here and there. She's so clingy!

His fren : So you broke her heart bcos she cares about you well being, bcos she cares alot bout you? And her greatest fear is losing you..? I see...

Boy : But...uhh well, she'd always cry when i say something slightly mean. She can't handle everything. Such a crybaby!

His fren : So you broke her heart bcos she has feeling? And bcos she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see...

Boy : Well....you know, she'd get jealous easily. I could barely talk to any girls! She's so annoying. I had to hide it from her so she wouldn't bitch bout it.

His fren : So you broke her heart bcos she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more??? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love ONLY her.. I see...

Boy : Well, she......

His fren : You broke up with her bcos she's good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She's broken now bcos you were SELFISH! Are you proud now?

Boy : I broke her heart...... bcos i couldn't see what's happening..what happened to me?

His fren : You just lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see now? You didn't want her when all she ever wanted was YOU! That's what happened bro! Think about it, when she's too much for you...She just wants the best for you. Bcos to her YOU'RE the best. If you don't like something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her. Don't just give up, lie to her or even say mean words to her! Don't just leave bcos you want the easy way out!

Who's this 'his fren'? i want to kenal kenal uh.

im serious.

2010-12-31T03:57:00.002+08:00

i hope this new year, youll prolly realize that im not a mistake. give me the world.

What to Do When a Woman Does This to You

2010-12-25T03:15:00.001+08:00

When she stares at your mouth, smile...then kiss her.

When she pushes you or hit's you, hug her tight.

When she starts cursing at you, say I love you.

When she's quiet, hold her hand and ask what's wrong.

When she ignores you, act cute so she'll notice you.

When she pulls away, pull her back.

When you see her at her worst, tell her you love her and she still looks amazing.

When you see her walking, approach her...give a kiss on the cheek.

When she's scared, assure her you're not going to leave her.

When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt your head too...and hold her hand.

When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it.

When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.

When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand.

When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.

When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.

When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.

When she is sick, stay up all night with her.

When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go.

When she wants to see her favorite movie or show, watch it with her even if you think it's stupid.

When she says she's okay, don't believe it…talk to her.

When she looks at you in your eyes, don't look away until she does.

When she doesn't answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay.

When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up.

When she misses you, she's hurting inside.

When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.

When she says it's over, she still wants you to be hers.

When she's not saying anything, stay on the phone with her.

When you see her start crying, hold her...ask her what's wrong.

When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you'd say is..."Who's ass am I gonna kick baby?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.

Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.

Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

Let her wear your clothes.

Let her know she's important.

Kiss her in the pouring rain.

Give her the world.

-miacarmel

yes, life experiences play a part

2010-12-23T02:19:00.005+08:00

its heartbreaking to know that i am not changing in terms of my mindset. sometimes i wish i could go back to my old self and kill you with my harsh words, my unreasonable jealousy traits and such. but life experiences changed that and i thought, alhamdulillah ive managed to shun all that far far farrrr away but little did i know nothing is seen as 'changed'. as much as i wish i could think like how i think when i was 17, i tried hard not to. unnecessary arguments are really time-wasting and leads you to nowhere but to cry and cry and cry and you know, the aftermath of cold silent treatments. but, you failed to see that. you failed to acknowledge. me being me, i can never not show my true expressions/emotions although i always try hard to hide them but always miserably FAIL. if im angry, im angry but of course with some usual irritating 'takde pape'(thats cause im trying to swallow but yes i failed). if im upset, id cry. you know that kind. but ever since then(since i dont know when), i tried to swallow most of the things. i used to ace in that(swallowing of things) but i failed after countless of broken relationships and also, harsh life experiences? maybe its just the beginning. im trying hard to pick up from where i left off. i want to be the sara i was while i was 13, 14 - always being able to swallow things and stash it in my umm heart(corny but yah)? but give me some support. i may be in a really vulnerable state right now cause each time, i DO want to get things right. if i dont, thatll be the end of the relationship. cause there is just no more chances and im worried for that. and break ups are not the solution to settle things. i tried hard. i really try but most of the times, id fail. i just fail. just like that. i dont know. to me, being in this relationship has got to have its ups and downs. i dont wish for you to snap at the slightest things cause weve managed to see the worst bits of life experiences. just that, i hope.. some day there could be some year rounds when we could see each other through bumpy roads. as much as i want you to make me smile when i cry, i still want you to bother when im unhappy. and as much as i want you to hold on to me when an ocean wave hits us, i too wish you wont let go so easily when were faced with a ripple. and as dearly much as i want you to cheer me on when ascending a mountain, i too want you to help me up when i trip over a bump on the road.

I swear by this one below but most of the times, i just dont have the heart to.

"Sometimes you have to test someone. Not cause you don’t trust them, but to see how much they’ll sacrifice for you. And sometimes you have to let them go; not cause you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back."

someone please enlighten me

2010-12-12T01:59:00.005+08:00

i feel like crying cause im happy for you and i envy you cause all of us werent that close before. NEVER. and everyone of them hated me instead. and when i think about it, FMLs were what i kept on saying in my head. what ive done, what happened, how everything took a turn. yes my life was THAT bad back then but well, its pointless to keep on dwelling kan. but i cant lie to myself you see. time time gini uh i will like think about it and then ask myself the why questions. sigh.

and then when i think about another issue that still bothers me whenever i think about it, id feel like crying. imagine. having to like A and then going out with him for a short while to bid OUR bestfriend goodbye and then A had to leave when you thought the next thing you guys would do is lepak and catch up on things(just cause you like A's company). and hes leaving to go on a movie date with B(a girl). sigh. that is very heart wrenching. cause you cant tell A that you like him just cause hes seeing B and that you are in the position to actually 'understand' their close friendship. sigh. that period was tough for me. aku slalu nangis dalam hati.

its ok. i am changing. for the better now. and im chasing my dreams. though im not really making much effort. i need motivations.

sigh. i wish life was much simpler for me back then. much much much simpler. seriously, i feel like crying now. but, my boyfriend's out to zoukout :(

GOD'S BEEN THERE LISTENING.

2010-11-24T14:02:00.003+08:00

24th today. its been about four months since the last entry. currently been busy with assignments and the upcoming exams. so lepasni, im going to continue with assignments. le sigh.

four months. been fulfilling. works been ok. and boss has seen much improvement and rewarded me accordingly :) alhamdulillah for that.

school. i just got my results for sem 1 and alhamdulillah i did ok :) now preparing for the upcoming exams as well. so i hope i can manage. and sem 3 timetables out :) sem 3 siaaaaa. lincah per! :DDD

i cant wait for school to end. and then i hope i can redeem some free time for myself. i want to go bangkok. and i WANT to save again for braces :B

and i still want to get a car by 23. haha. lets see if its going to happen.

yazid? yazids been fine. WE have been fine. and i should thank you for always having my back, for being there when im in desperate need of help and been very patient towards me. i love you. and because of you, im thankful for being who i am today :)

right. so a simple update on hows life been and all. im appreciating every single precious moment now. and trying to be contented with all that has been happening. and i sure am looking forward to whats in store for me.

now. love is a place.

2010-07-04T15:49:00.002+08:00

everything else went well that day. we both started it late cause dua dua tak boleh bangun on time for breakfast. we however just made do with lunch in which we headed down to arnolds at city plaza. initial surprise plan was actually to breakfast at ecp then rollerblading. unfortunately morning turned out to be wet, case mcm takkan stop hujan. sigh. rollerblading would be nice though :)

so since most of the plans were ruined, we decided to collect the cake at bedok after lunch then went over to my place to cut it and for some song celebrations. lepaked for awhile then headed out for movie at plaza sing.

so yup, plaza sing. bought tickets then jalan jalan for awhile in which i treated myself to ANOTHER fisheye gadget for my phone. yang lame adhesive die dah rosak thanks to yazid -_- so yup. toys story 3! aku excited gilerbabi sia. in 3d. tapi my glasses rosak rosak. ninauhiya!

then off to ion where we got lost. sial peh swensens located like in this ulu section of ion. that kind of dampened my mood a little. buat aku semakin lapar. so yup, once were there i had the most out of the buffet. pidzas were not THAT good like pizza huts'? anyways we had a good time :)

lepastu, off for karaoke. THAT cheered me up instantly. thank you yazid for knowing whats best. :D had a realllly realllly good time!

lepastu i suggested we lepak for awhile. was thinking of kedai kopi but he suggested the playground near my place. so yup we settled down. and there. the most precious gift ever. my spirit lifted and i was on cloud nine.

so there you go. the gift of life; i had YAZID for my twentysecond. you guys dont know how much this means to me man. i have been secretly waiting for 4 years(yes 4 years uh cb) ever since the break up in which i almost give up. i just cant thank you enough yazid. omg I HAD YOUUUUUUUUUUU! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

all in all. this was by far the bestest birthday! haha pardon my pri sch sentence structure. i sounded like budak kecik in this post. thats cause i am tooooo happppy! ok uh aku dah tak boleh describe lagi. haha

so here! it brought me to tears! it did! you did! yaziddddd! woooo! i love you!

i may or may not turn into a lesbian

2010-06-02T02:31:00.005+08:00

I love when im driving and you hold my hand in yours.
I love when we have endless conversations about life, love and everything else in between.
I love when you give me random kisses and hugs infront of your friends.
I love it when you tell me you talked to others about me.
I love when we talk about our past with different people, insecurities set aside.
I love it more when we talk about our future, together.
I love when you turn my frown upside down and wipe my tears away.
I love when I ramble on and when all the words are done tumbling out of my mouth you smile and say 'I love listening to you talk'.
I love when you kiss my forehead and tell me I’m special.
I love when I’m with you.
Cause i just love everything about you.

initiative bestfriend

2010-05-30T20:37:00.003+08:00

ehhhh. aku miss the times we used to have uh. the times when kau without fail amek aku dari eunos station after aku balek keje. abeh kite lepak minum teh dkt kedai kopi blakang station. the times when aku dont feel lonely whenever theres no one at home cause i know your place is always "open" to welcome me even though kau takde dkt rmh. kau best uh. tapi... kau dah takde. eh aku miss kau lahh. kalau kau ade kan skg, aku mesti tak feel this lonely cause i know youre just a phonecall away. or even 6 storeys away. kadang2 bf aku not there utk aku. kadang2 die busy with his own things. sigh. honestly no one to replace kau uh. its been two years. and these are the times when everything will strike me and make me reminisce the fond memories. tapi kau not there for me to recall these things with. sigh. aku harap kau ok dkt sane. i hope youre coping on fine with the angels there.

al-fatehah.

your "happy" zaman is over beb

2010-05-11T02:55:00.004+08:00

beb. when i read your pathetic posts, i cant help but to think that youre refering every bit to my boyfriend. im sorry but i hope you dont post anything like that anymore. please. please spare us the happiness.

if ever theres a chance i could turn back time, i would have taken good care of him and not let him do all the dirty things with you. but sadly, i did not. i failed. i meann, no point crying over spilled milk right?

so yup, since weve(my boyfriend and i) made a really really good deal last week, id just want to say, please stay away from him. and you, i hope you meant every single word and its a prrrromise ok. A PROMISE. please dont further hurt me with all your(you and her) shit.

i love you. so please come clean.

and beb. please go redeem some happiness elsewhere. dont come bothering him anymore. no more of your shits in my life. EVER. so pleasee.

work school boyfriend and everything else is taking a HUGE toll on me.

2010-05-10T02:18:00.000+08:00

to date.

i can only mention that everything is getting tougher.

work. i notice i cant commit.

school. im starting to hate it but well see how it goes. oh i even had thoughts of giving up. and its only the first week -_-

health. its deteriorating. i think im down with some long term illness. i do not ever want to go for any check ups for fear something i do not want to know being unveiled :(((

my dear yazid. been nice. been making up for lost times. i love you and i appreciate the efforts. been cranky lately but you never fail to pick me up. stay strong for us.. i miss you. ORD soon lahhhhh :(

friends. idk. theyre diminishing. somewhat. and i just cant figure. must be the busy schedule ive been caught up with. no no. not them. just me. oh... shit.

and home, my room, my bed. i love you guys. youve managed to shelter me from the outside world. to comfort me from the evils anyone out there could associate me with.

and as for my own self, my mind, my capabilities; you guys've greaaaaat! i think i did some prooooductive things lately. like umm, setting up my own laptop, setting up the printer ON MY OWN, to "repair" my internet USB stick myselfff, learning how to rollerblade(despite the minimal help from yazid - pasal aku degil tak dgr ape die advised) hmmmm, idk, there SHOULD be more. it may not seem too fantastic but atleeeeeast, ive managed to overcome these odds in one piece; considering myself been staying in that "comfort zone" - as to getting people to do these things for me, even to read operation manuals urgh. so i think, im abit more useful now HAHA.

so yup. sneak peeks of whatevers been going on lately. all in all. its beeeen umm, i might not say goooood but umm... just good. cause im feeling unwell now(been four days) and things are getting "stressful"(i hope not). besok amek MC and umm noone to teman :( and, i need to get my social life back on track. seriously. ive been isolating too much. budaks kampongs, i still love you guys... it has never been lesser.

sigh :(

i wonder if theres ever a SORRY to this

2010-04-17T07:17:00.007+08:00

last night, i fell asleep. fucking early; not knowing what god had in store for me in the wee hours of that morning.

and at three, i woke up. discovered my phone batt was dead so i went to recharge it. as usual, ill feel the guilt; guilt of not talking to my boyfriend for more than two hours and the guilt of not informing him i wanted to turn in so that he wont be calling, couldnt get through and start panicking/worrying.

i switched on my laptop. did the usual stuffs and idk, something striked me. prolly god wanted me to know. something.

i had this feeling.

and when i saw it, its like my world came crashing down; as cliche as it may sound.

ya allah. sesungguhnye ape yg aku lihat tidaklah seburok yang ku sangke.

i didnt know how to react. i didnt know when it was. i didnt know how it happened - THAT that i saw.

i was overwhelmed; with emotions ive been longing to succumb - just cause i have never face anything worst than this before.

worst scenarios started to play freely in my mind. my heart abruptly skipped a few beats and everything else didnt matter.

its like, "this was what youve been doing? i knew youve been doing this for the longest time!"

cruel assumptions, yet again.

but. this cant be true. idk. ive trusted you so much, though most times it seems like its not the case.

so i immediately made that random call. and i had to hang up cause my emotions, tears and everythingelse was beyond my control.

first. you hide. second. you lied.

karma perhaps? idk.

i think ive said something like "please dont bother me these few days. just let me be alone"

and so i cried myself to sleep. and for fucks sake, it was 530hours and supposedly an hour to waking up for work.

i had the worst nightmare after that. THAT that i saw started to screen itself in my sleep; as part of a nightmare. yes, scened. it kinda showed me how it happened and all but it was vague, cause i tried not recalling most of it when i got up.

just why now?

what else would be unveiled later on? just what?

i was disturbed, the whole morning at work. i couldnt focus much. so i had to sit in the pantry staring into "space", trying to capture every image that was trying to overwhelm me with.

had milo. no choice. two cups of it.

and when i finally calmed down, sort of settle down with the overwhelm"ness", i thought, this is it. why ponder/mourn over things that has already happened? its not going to punish you in any way right? no doubt itll be etched in my mind forever lah but hey, keeping quiet, silencing yourself from the source is never going to solve the situation, right? ill just have to live with it and make do with whats current then.

so yerp, another day has gone by and i had to be disturbed from sleep again with that fricking incident/nightmare. hopefully itll go away soon.

as much as i want to be different to you, ill try not to; ill try cause i still love you and love the way we are as much as i do hours before i discovered THAT. its not worth right? dont panic, the trust is still going strong. but to think about it, these few days, it has been overwhelming with these kind of issues huh?

and i have to admit that i hate it.

but for now, lets rejoice, shall we?

its seventeenth remember?

random ok

2010-04-04T18:45:00.001+08:00

well hello you. i think youre the coolest ever. tapi kawan...... RIP.

now who?

2010-03-27T19:55:00.003+08:00

sometimes i think that my mind travels too fast into the different different routes of thoughts and when it settles on something it thought may be true, it sends signals down my lungs(that area) and subsequently weaken and crush my heart but somewhat still beating lahh.. but...

prolly just once id ask?

is it stupid of me if i browse through some female morons page, saw my boyfriends photo on it with captions like "i miss this boy" or "i miss the old times we used to have"? is there anyone whom i can get even with?

WHO?

my boyfriend? that ridiculous oxymoron?

or just myself?

jom uh taik!

2010-03-21T11:03:00.002+08:00

i feel blessed each time i wake up to read your text msgs; reassuring me time and again that ill have you no matter what come may. meeting up with you every single off days you have really makes me feel appreciated; you made me feel that i existed. thank you yazid. i love you.

that aside.

ive been feeling good, extremeeeeely good lately. and thats a good thing. (haha dont be stupid) been on a lot of missions with yazid that i now have lesser time to catch up on my rest haha. now i dont blame him cause slalu aku yang gatal nak stay up late just to be with him.

duit sekarang sudah menjadi masalah. tapi tidak mengape, kite macam have each others back so i believe we can see through this together, surviving on our twin pair of feets. avoiding debts, declaring myself rich, saving up madly for school, and starving(bedek uh) most of the times doesnt come off as a good package this time round.(for those who has this habit of last min thing(to get into school), please do apply for bank loan. its hard seriously. but still, i have to do so. ill be fine i believe. afterall, ill be done with school next year(exactly) hopefully. oh shit. i just remembered. after school, ill be on another mission of saving up. this time forrrrrr braces. ahhh eat shit! this has been the top on my list yet it has always been pushed backwards. im so near to fixing it up last year august man but fuck, for my sudden rush of wanting to get into school, i postponed it(braces). yet again!

despite that, i hope well be able to go on a short trip to wherever before school(for me) starts. even date hasnt been confirmed yet. noone actually bothers to sit down and talk about it. aku dalah tkde byk mase. sigh. tapi takpe, even so. if dgn dorang tak jadi, i might have a better plan with solely yazid. haha hopefully we could derive with the dates on time and plus, this months gaji, fuhhh; i really have to plan properly. like what yazid said "this month punye gaji nanti we sit down and plan okay?" sure thats a good thing! but hey, lets make this work ok!

i need a getaway soon. if not pon, let me be sick. i hardly fall sick thats why and thats not a thing to be proud of and go hooray2. i need MCs! aku taknak pakai leave aku! four more days leave to be utilized before june!!

cause they always say, youll never realize what you have till youve lost it

2010-03-01T06:16:00.003+08:00

its first of march, 6.16am and i shall reveal to the world now that, im missing yazid like mad. like mad. seriously.

i like the idea of falling in love again. seriously. its like... THIS IS ITTTT~

hug me and tell me its ok pleaseeee

2010-02-20T18:37:00.004+08:00

With this, i would have to miss the KL trip with the RP people in May and HK trip with my colleagues in July. kiwakk aku mcm nk nangis siaakkkkkkk!

cause im still awake

2010-02-07T23:55:00.003+08:00

one is biase jugak, on SOL(stopage of leave). while the other, is nowhere near existance already.

goodness. i miss the both of you. come back lah you guysssss~

and last few days when AE and i were at geylang, he pointed "maybe next month, ill be going there(arqam)". omg. i freaking cant wait for AE to be an official. seriously :D

D is my bestfriend

2010-01-17T17:06:00.006+08:00

hi you.

eversince the start of 2010, i have been well, say... procrastinating ALOT? for good i think? hmm..

cause there has been so much going on; like putting myself into shit im supposed to clear before it starts spreading. yes shit spreads(tak klakar). and being sara, i tend to write everything here. so since majority of it hasnt been THAT good, i shall refrain myself from writing about it. cause it wont be nice if i start to vulgarise too much.

so lets just say, my bestfriend and AE has been around for good - isolating me from reality; just letting me be in my own neverland, letting me do things i love... it makes me reminisce good times ive had with D and H. sometimes, i think, its nice lahhh. it makes you feel like a kid, doing things they want to do, oblivious towards the surrounding; what people thinks and what others might want to say about you. cause i just find peace and PURE happiness with you guys.

so geng, thanks lahh. appreciate your presences.

like the times when AE brought me out for ice creams then the next day, we got D to come with us. And then i had to return the car where we went tenage for an impromptu lepak session by the bustop. and then back to my area to lepak. gosh i was secretly wishing the minute would pause right there and then. i had the bestest night with you both babies.

And not forgetting the time when AE brought me in into SFT. where i had an awesome good time there with the RP people. i cant explain how i adore that so much. thanks D. thanks AE. you made me forget all the worries at one go.

and AF, idk. i dont get why you hide things from her. and when you feel like it, youll call her your girlfriend. and when things dont go your way, you ditch her; you pretended shes somebody else, your friend perhaps. cause you said she treats you better while you guys were friends. still, things are different now. sigh. susah lah kau.

haniways, yup. aku ni.. sigh. ive got my bloody own issues too. i just wish D could be there for me like ALL THE TIME. but yup. thats pretty impossile to achieve. well you know why? cause D understands me so well i cant prolly hide shit in my mouth, literally. sigh.

this is it. this is life. this is what i am going through right now. seldom lepak, seldom meeting my boyfriend(yes i have one). just making myself busy with work, busy with phone calls, busy with sleep and yup, busy with nothing else...

please just let me be me. tell me when im good and let me know when i did wrong. please. dont hide it. dont hide it all from me. please dont. and please. tell me im mistakeless. but if there is, prolly just help me, help me unravel these little mistakes. please.

sighhhhh.

2009-12-26T15:54:00.003+08:00

If we fall in love because someone makes us laugh,

what happens when we no longer find them funny?

If we fall in love because someone is beautiful,

what happens when that beauty fades?

If we fall in love because someone can provide for us,

what happens when they lose their wealth?

Because love defies all reasons,

when you truly love someone, you just can't find a reason, you just do.

Cantek alfis! Thanks!

2009-12-26T06:14:00.003+08:00

kau sundal pasal after years of knowing me, you agreed that i go for guys with golds. hello? aku bukan mate duitan. sumpah bile aku dgn kau dulu, aku tk heran pon duit kau. anyway, kite masi skola and we started everything else by chance. i had nothing. and you. you had nothing too. ni bukan nk ungkit mase lalu uh but ass, i spend a whole load on you fuck. kalau kau ckp aku go for kau punye harte, sorry uh bro, youve got that all wrong from the start. jgn nk prasan kau tu kaye byk duit. yg kaye pon mak bapak kau. so kau boleh fuck off with your mindset. and pls get a life uh. jgn nk jadi hypocrite. and pls sampaikan dkt mataer kau, cermin diri sendiri dulu sebelom nk ckp orang. and pls teach her to sayang her mulot. thanks.

theres hope

2009-12-20T14:46:00.003+08:00

because he told me this,
"kirekan, special tau tak korang boleh jadi bestfriends lepas da break. not everyone can be bestfriends or even friends with their ex. its this special thing you guys have that not everyone has."

its ok sarah, everything will be just fine. everything will be just fine :)

this is it

2009-12-19T15:27:00.003+08:00

I hope that someday you find an amazing girl.
The kind of girl who means everything to you and makes you want to spend every moment of your time with her.
The kind of girl who keeps you up at night, just thinking about her beautiful smile, and when you finally fall asleep, she’s all you dream about.
I hope she’s the first thing to cross your mind when you wake up in the morning.
I hope she changes you in a way you could never understand, yet you know it’s for the better.
I hope she’s the kind of girl you would die for.
The kind of girl who could make you cry, even though you’d never admit it.
The kind of girl who makes you want to go out and do something special, something that means everything to the both of you.
The kind of girl you can have silly fights with, then kiss and make up, and hold her in your arms like you’re falling in love all over again.
I hope you make memories with her you never forget.
I hope she’s your world, and what you have with her is nothing less than perfection.
And I hope that one day, you lose her.
I hope you mess up and as hard as you try to keep her there with you, she slips through the cracks of your broken heart.
I hope it destroys you, because you realize you’ve lose the person you once called your everything.
I hope you see every moment spent together spin away down the drain like it was waiting to happen.
I hope you stay up all night because she’s on your mind and when you fall asleep, she haunts your dreams.
I hope her beautiful smile stays pressed in your mind like a scar that won’t fade away.
I hope you realize that you’re a new person because of her.
I hope your new self feels incomplete without her and you miss the old you, the one that was okay with being alone.
Because you’d rather be the heartbreaker than the heartbroken.

bittersweet symphony

2009-12-06T03:48:00.008+08:00

been awhile huh?

theres just so much going on in my life right now. work, lepak kedai kopi(no more starbucks, fast food etc etc), work, heart-to-heart talks, work, dating(HAHA!), work, catch up on food, work, catch up on sleep, work, spending time with the season's favourite people, work, make time for bestfriend(s) and well, WORK. toooo much that i realized, ive been neglecting my budak kampongs. now sara, KAU SUCK TO THE CORE.

nevertheless, thank god i subscribed for the gprs thingy for my phone so that at least, i could catch up with the cyber(chey cyber kapaaa) life. so yup, everyday fb fb fb hahah. due minit due minit aku log in haha. and alhamdulillah through fb, i could atleast be well-updated with the upcoming events, birthdays id totally forgotten and updates from my budak kampongs.

so yup. zara and fizah, theyve secured themselves with new jobs. kudos people! and all the best uh! and updates from those single to relationship, relationship back to being single HAHHAHAH. and not forgetting upcoming events :) and yup, new friends as well :))))

so umm prolly cyber life aside, lets now catch up abit on work, shall we? haha. as usual, works getting a little mundane. hari2 tgk building retak mendak jugak siak. hari2 jalan pass same spot fuh rase dieeee mcm sial pe. aku sampai da tk tau ape lagi nk tgk. balek balek tu jugakkk. kadang2 rase mcm nk brenti aje keje tapi kan.. 2010, aku ade banyakkkkkkkk giler goals to like achieve. case sume kene pakai duit punye. SO YUP! nk taknak, sarah, kau kene be strong kay baby and start to prioritise maybe? atleast aku mcm dah achieve something - to postpone braces to prolly next two years GOSH cause theres much more important things in life than braces itself :). haha and dont even think about sara getting engaged or married eh HAHAHAHAHAH.

hopefully, 2010, will be a etter year for me uh. seriously aku nk prolly turn over a new leaf. kiwak dari poly year sia aku ckp aku nk turn over a new leaf tapi tk turn turn jugak haha. aku nk jadi a better individual uh. haha vague eh? aku pon tk sure sangat leaf yg mane aku nk turn so yup. hopefully boleh make it lah ehhh apape yg aku nk turn tu. all the best uh sarah! insya'allah.

ok so, umm next. prolly well touch abit on dating(HAHA!) life? HAHAH. HAHAHA klakar sia. tkpe tkpe, since aku single and in need of some loving now, i shall now share okay haha. so yup. been spending three quarter of my life now with umm mr AE, mr AF and umm ok dah tu je haha. and of course not forgetting, miss Shaz haha. kite da mcm mataer haha.

ms shaz. been having so much of late nights with her; those heart to heart talks, those countless lepak sessions, karaoke, follow me drive up to changi just to bring food for mr AE and of course mr bestfriend, YS. appreciate your time miss shaz. bestfriend bestfriend :))

AE, well. thanks for the places you brought me to. always the same place, around the same time, under similar circumstances :) aku appreciate bile kau take the time out to lepak dgn aku instead of besarkan kau punye tido haha. and walaupon kau irritating, too muda untok aku and whatnot, still, kau make the effort to make me feel appreciated. kau make sure aku sampai rmh safely, kau teman aku through phonecalls you made bile aku tgh jln balek sorang2 unless prepaid kau low atau YS dkt sbela kau haha, kau make sure aku comfortable bile aku naek motor dgn kau, kau call aku everyday to make sure im fine, eaten and all, kau make sure aku have enough sleep, kau greet aku well nt every morning but still! haha. and gosh i just love how you look at me, smile dgn dimple kau yg mendalam tu haha, gave me a goodbye hug, left the car and then stood outside to see me drive off before you go back into camp. awe moment sia pade aku tu :))

and AF, been doing good these few days. makan brings happiness to us both, at all times. those crusing sessions bile motor kau saket, and now since the bike has recovered from flu not forgetting you too, its time for us to explore new makan places. and umm, lunch over at my workplc the other time abeh aku MIA sampai pukol 6, balek office stakat amek bag haha. not forgetting kau teman aku blaja that time. lepak kedai kopi sessions dgn kawan kawan tk senonoh kau haha kidding. karaoke. movies dgn bestfriend kau. random town session on a chill saturday afternoon and movie - case bile da kluar movie, luar masi terang haha awesome sia. and i must say, new moon mcm gerek :)) and aku sumpah tk paham apasal dorang go gaga over si edward cullen tu. pelik. pelik. oh! and yests very very random sheesha session. gerek. thanks for kau punye undying effort to always respect my decisions, agree to my every word, agree to my ridiculous plans of all and expedite with the mode of transport for the day, and kau punye effort to make sure aku mkn every app 10mins haha. and aku especially like how you make me feel appreciated by bringing me to meet kawan kawan kau, introduce me to them, invite aku to kau punye soccer leagues every weekend yg aku tk pernah attend satu pon pasal come onnnnnn tgk korang maen bola ehhhh haha da mcm WAGs pulak aku and how kau actually would always say "nak!" bile aku ajak kau kluar instead of yg da biase aku dgr like "nta sembarang uh, up to you". kau tk pernah buat aku feel left out. tu yg best :) walaupon aku dgr byk giler crite psl kau, tkpe, aku rase im going to give this a try. kadang kadang in life, kau nk kene try to take risk. kau takan tau whats out there for you. so yup. budak kampongs, aku will keep you posted. and prolly well meet during shahiras pit.

and YS, thanks so much for your time. lepak, drive my car mcm nk mampos session, listening to aku punye rants though kau ade life kau to attend to, comforting aku and haha we still need to catch up. make time make time! jgn besarkan nonok! have fun uh dkt malacca ::) (haha alien smiley) oh and jb beb! shit. kite da terrrrrrrrrrlalu busy with our own lifes tapi takpe, its just a matter of time. kau tetap number one aku besides hamzah HAHHAHAHA. and YS, apape yg aku da ckp the other time, aku rase aku take them back. psl aku rase, aku nk just give it a go. see me through this kay bestfriend. aku tau kau will be there thanks :)

ok da enough haha. family pulak. haritu aku open table, we had a big gathering in which bestfriend tk dpt join psl on duty :( seoul garden was good. and it was nice seeing everyone enjoying themselves. been long. i appreciate these special moments, really :) and apparently mama, i just told her about my dating life, and im glad shes fine with everything. i hope, ill get to keep you posted with everything ma.

so yup. to kind of sum up everything , lifes been good uh but sometimes we have to make choices uh. and the choices we make, we have to be careful. i know. im aware of that. and i appreciate korang punye advices :) and i believe that, being positive will make one feel happy, inside out. serious. aku mcm going through it. so kudos uh sarah!

so korangs, be it budak kampongs or whoever yg aku mcm da lame tk jumpe, aku miss korang. aku harap korang happy dgn korang punye lifes wherever you may be. cause now, bile aku nampak org happy, aku feel good. the feeling is indescribable. aku suke. so korang happy2 jgn gado gado kay. haha. eh aku cant wait for our 9years friendship. kite celebrate besar besaran kay?

ok da knape dgn aku bebual mcm gini? HAHA

hana's twentyfirst cum eight years friendship - budak kampongs not full squad tapi ni gambar so far so good

maen maen kreta at saf ferry terminal - yazid sanchez, aaron ezekiel, miss shaz

karaoke at grandlink - ahmad feroudeen, amir pak tam, shaikh, miss shaz, elvin rahdyan

before seoul garden family portrait - papa, mama, naima, bali, madeline, ida, putput, bangans, adam

kedai kopi dkt kallang - mr bestfriend, YS

it just doesnt work like that

2009-11-16T01:39:00.004+08:00

we talked, we hugged and we kissed. yet, i have this fear i cant prolly explain in words. im just so scared.. so scared that this wont work out again. and that itll left me hanging; struggling and searching for another soul. its been a year plus yet..... sigh.

its hard. its hard when you suddenly lose track of everything - on how to fall in love again, how it feels to be loved, how it feels or how to react when you have someone caressing you, caring for you; showing you that he loves - ibarat kate, "aku dah jadi bodoh".

i know how you feel buddy. i know exactly how you feel. cause whatever youve been feeling, fret not, im feeling it too. and if youre confused, im more than confused buddy.

i know youre not exactly over everything yet but i swear i know you want this badly - to move on. yet. its so hard to achieve. its not that easy bro. its not that easy.

when you suddenly kept silent, look out of the window, took out your ciggs and light it then lean your head on the car window, i knew exactly what was going through your bloody mind.

and then came the call. now its my turn. the one ever person whom i wanted oh so badly, he came back. he called and pretended as if nothingve happened. i just felt like screwing him up. and all that for a "test"? oh come on.. im over and done with that. im so so tired of it. just why do you have to do it and let me commit the biggest sin ever to you? why??

why do you have to do this? and i know upon hearing that; our convo - it helped to mess up your mind even more. thank you to me. and with that, i know exactly what races through your mind - that all these were a mistake. and whatever youve said to me, you just wish you could take them back and that whatever weve done, you wish you could eliminate them and never wish i existed. i know how hard it is.

cause earlier today, we talked things through. we had an agreement and we held on tightly to it. and then you asked me something i knew would break your heart and i guess it did that you wish you could end your life right there and then. then you went silent instead. i knew theres something on your mind.

but ltr on after supper, after weve settled down on a parking lot off ecp, you asked me again. "sarah, would you leave me?" and i said, "ummm, *inserts name* aku tk boleh answer uh tu question".

i was taken aback. why that question? why?

and later the worst of it, "sarah, if im back in camp, i wont be able to see you on weekdays, will you be free on weekends to spend the time with me?" urghh. kenape lahhh.. kenapeee??

dude, youre making this even more complex, do you even know that?

but then again, i know everything was a ok when you started the engine and went off without even looking at me. i know you had thousands in your mind. but i dont wish to be treated like that at the end of the night.

sigh. this is it. another one messed up goingtobe relationship - all screwed up.

mak kau peh laki lahh

2009-11-13T03:03:00.002+08:00

eh. check this out man. awesome siak this range. sigh. tkde duit. hopefully next year, financial stable sia.

http://www.longchamp.com/en/collection/women/lines/legende/showroom-255.html

something for you to ponder upon

2009-11-12T20:15:00.002+08:00

after going through a couple of rejections, today, someone who've developed a thick-skin disease decided to give it perhaps ANOTHER try.

MD: Sara i wana u as ma gf
SJ: WTF? Giler
MD: Y?
SJ: Tak minat.
MD: Asal?
SJ: *tk reply; malas nak layan*
MD: Asal?
SJ: Tak minat. I got boyf already. And i dont like you fucker. irritating.

PLS girls - may include boys too cause i have a guyfriend who doesnt know how to reject and is scared of hurting girls - DONT fear rejections. kalau taknak, ckp taknak. you dont have to layan and lead the person on. serious. that sucks big time if youre in my fucking shoes.

you get the point now?

al kisahhh

2009-11-11T00:37:00.005+08:00

sial uh!

laen sa feeling die tadi. da knape sa dgn kau sarah?

:(

tadi. aku kluar. a random last min thing dgn member aku. sial uh. member kay. si biol ni case da mendak kluar dgn chickies abeh tk habes2 msg aku. haha bodoh sia. da tau mendak, tinggalkan aje uh sia tu pompan. bodoh peh bahlol.

so yup. tadi aku pegi keje. abeh pikiran aku mcm aahhh sial uh. nta ape bende bodoh nta aku pikirkan. sume bende mcm not in place - keje uh i mean. until the time when om aku ajak pegi minom. thats when i poured everything out to him. and there you go, he gave me his matured point of view on things blablabla. and advised me and blablabla. gerek uh kalau kau boleh bebual about anything and everything dgn org yg age mcm bapak kau mak kau gitu. their words of advise ehh..fuh! power jigemeks punye :)

so lepastu, otak aku blank balek. and worst, ive had hell loads of things to settle with my contractor. seriously apasal pon aku tk tau, i have been like on the fuckcare mode this few weeks; be it work, friends, money etc. urgh. tk suke sia aku feeling mcm gini. abeh tadi, aku byk giler chengkers uh dgn contractor aku ni whom id always have so much to talk about to. nampaksa kau pikiran babi punye sia sarah :(

abeh si raf msg ajak jumpe dkt ngee ann. aku ckp aku nk balek office in which i did not. cause aku mcm ahhh fuck it uh. da pukol 5 sia. nari seriously aku byk hegeh2, mcm otak aku lembab sia. so yup. since aku da dpt a seat on the train from clementi, aku mcm ahhh buto uh tak payah balek office uh. so aku balek rums. and nari aku tk msg sesape pon to make plans. psl this few days, aku penat sia. buat ape pon aku tk tau. mcm i just feel like sleeping. maybe aku deprive giler uh of sleep. so yup. aku balek, on laptop, tros tido. mcm sial. abeh hp tk habes2 bunyi bile aku danak terlelap. and that makes me kanchiong abit every single time die bunyi cause aku terkejot dari tido from the fucking strong vibration. babi peh FD.

da tau kluar dgn pompan abeh tk reti nk lyn. abeh aku da binget, aku pegi buat plan dgn die pulak haha. tk betol sia sarah. padehal aku tgh in daze case ngantok giler punye.

"eh kau pegi hantar pompan tu balek, kau turon blk aku skg jgk"

tros aku tido balek.

abeh vibration. "lagi 20mins aku sampai blk kau"

hahahah aku tros terbgn siaaa tkde nk golek2 hegeh2 punye. hahaha daymn.

so si kental ni, aku jumpe die dkt kedai kopi psl member dgn members die. as aku was approaching dorang, aku dahhh ahh sial uh R siaaaaaaaaa. haha omg member abg aku yg aku perna suke dulu. kiwak dah kahwin pon sia.

abeh si member bahlol aku ni, FD, da tersengeh2. kiwak pantat die uh sia kapcai motor msia. besar pe sial motor die. haha ok uh that was a fucking experience.

walaupon kau taik, tetap motor kau gerek hahha. sial uh aku sound like those minah who looks at the bike not the guy sia wahahahaha. typical typical -_- da pandai da pandai. HAH!

so yup, as we were on our way to parkway, aku da mcm "eh sial, bilang aku uh ape jadi tadi"

hahhaha kiwak lepak lah sia. pompan ni suro die tawaf satu sg abeh end up nk lepak tpt laen. kiwak kalau aku pon aku peng sia. haha abeh tk nk mengaku diri melayu -_- org gini pon ade. padan muke kau kene bueh dgn FD. member tinggal west side sia abeh kene pangsey. kene turon dkt mrt balek sendiri. haha FD! tu mcm uh members gua! hahaha

so lepas aku hantar film, kite proceed tamp. in which kedai tutop and i ended up getting the thing yg aku supposed to buy at a dbl-ed price just cause its at watson. fuckshit.

lepastu mr teh tarik uh jawabnye since da dkt tamp. and thats where member teros tukar jadi layu sia. kiwak aku dgr story die pon aku sedih sia. tsktsktsk. abeh mcm aku teros terfeel laen.

abeh die kate "kiwak sarah, aku dgn kau eh. takkan jadi punye uh. sial uh. langkah mayat aku dulu uh sia"

haha ouch sia. ape aku ni taik sgt pe sia hahha.

abeh bf aku pulak call. urgh. abeh mcm attention aku da lari siket. thanks uh FD. kau telah berjaya memahami uh.

abeh lepastu member hantar balek. ok uh. this is the most gerekest part uh haha. 160, 170km/h on a big bike is seriously fucking awesome jigsome uh kay. seriousshit punye. kpale kau boleh tercabot sia going against the wind direction. thanks uh that was really an experience sia. abeh member hantar aku dkt salah blk psl die ingat die hantar R. haha kau bodoh ke bodoh sia FD!

then lepak kejap. and thats when we continued the fricking mendalam heart to heart talk. kiwak kalaulah aku sarah yg dulu, aku rase aku da boleh melalak sia dgr die punye crite. lepastu member bla jumpe members laen.

an he just texted "sarah.. kau jgn fikir banyak-banyak psl *inserts name*.. Trust Allah.. If he's yours then he will be yours.. take care.."

dude, thanks uh. i need that alot uh walaupon kau treat aku mcm jantan.

good night and pls take care too.

kiwak. aku rase aku da lame giler sia tk write a post mcm gini. case bebual in detail psl nari haha. kdg2 best jugak haha.

k dah mrepek bye.

ouch pe haha

2009-11-10T01:17:00.004+08:00

well-versed matreps really turns me on. haha i think. at least, they come off as "abit smarter".

but seriously, guys and i mean normal guys(not matrep), really turns me on when they speak good english at home with their homies while on the line with me. best, i love those who tried versing with me in english too. hahah aku tk tau mcm mane nk explain except it sounded nicer. different from how wed normally talk - so matrep-ish, minahrep-ish(and im refering to the pure fighter one. havent i mention im a minah tapi yg works punye? HAHA). psl sume lelaki yg kenal dgn aku wld speak vulgar-ed malay with me just cause im vulgar? oh that doesnt pass off too good for my reputation. i think i need to learn to speak calmly and maybe slowly? cause i vulgarised too much in my words when i speak too fast. cause too fast equals to not thinking haha.

and worst, i get pretty harsh feedbacks from people, who wants to get to know me who asked those who doesnt know me that well, about me. and they sounded something like this "sarah? dulu tomboy sia. she doesnt talk like a girl. she used to hv very short hair and doesnt even look like a girl."

oh my.

and i get alot, hell loads of " eh kau ni eh. kite bebual mcm da kenal 10 tahun sia". is that a bad thing? :(

and worst, just recently, i had this guy telling me "eh sara, aku tgk gambar kau, aku ingat kau sweet sia. skali da kenal kauuu. wah. lepak dgn kau mcm lepak dgn another jantan sia. i dont feel the presence of a woman sia bile aku lepak dgn kau."

OUCH!

forbidden apple sia ni

2009-11-09T02:31:00.003+08:00

wah abg aku forbid aku sia. daymn. tapi aku tgk die ok je. ape yg sial nye eh?

aku ckp dgn die, ok uh aku tk rapat. tapiii. aku mcm nk fuck it uh.

what do you think? afterall, he looks good on the first meet up. we can get along. and he can get along well with my friends which is VERY CRUCIAL RIGHT NOW and..and which part do you think IS sial? ok aku rase aku mcm tk boleh comment uh skg. but. ho wells.

i think i shall wait and see uh.

eh thanks uh. aku rase yana sorang je yg faham situation aku uh skrg. thanks uh beb. woohooooo!

tapi tetap. aku nk kau uh taik. wah fuck sia. apasal lah kau mcm gitu? apasal lah aku kenal kau through that way? apasal sia? apasal??? apasal aku tk boleh kenal kau mcm sendiri aje? apasal kene org kenal kan kau dkt aku ni? urgh -_-

y?

2009-11-08T03:54:00.002+08:00

eh aku suke sia korang punye disgusted reaction bile aku kate die special, die understanding, die baek etc etc. hahahaha! aku tau. ape yg special pon kan?! hahahaha.

and i especially like korang punye uber disgusted faces bile aku ckp die tgh "hotstuff" season skg. HAHAHAHA!

pathetic, miserable and paranoid

2009-10-31T12:50:00.002+08:00

"I know what I've written can never,ever show how much we both mean to each other or even justify our love, but one day I hope to be able to pen down all the times we both had our world revolved around each other, how proud we were when people knew we had each other's back, how I had your heart and you had mine and how we cherished it.
Maybe one day, it'll all get better."

You couldnt have said it any better.

im in need of some loving. S youre right :(

2009-10-30T02:16:00.000+08:00

"eh bodoh! kau masi tk nampak pe sia like whats going on ard you right now? kau asl bodoh? huh?!"

serious sia aku sedih sia. tapi aku mcm tkde power uh nk buat apape - to change the situations around me. so yup. aku mcm just trying to make do with whatever i have uh right now. sigh

"mcm kiwaks. whats wrong with you sia sarah?"

sigh. nta lah. aku pon sdiri tk tau.

kalau lah aku boleh change something, aku nk ubah care aku fikir uh. and put like a stopper mcm crite click. like kalau aku naek bus kepe, aku nk kpale otak aku ni ckp psl ape yg aku nmpak dkt surroundings aku.

susah sia kalau kdg2 terpikir psl bende yg irrelevant. kau nampak bunga, pokok tapi kau pikir psl mak kau, ke kawan kau. you get the point?

apasal lah mind is made to astray when we daze?

ok the point is, apasal manusia ni byk sangat problems? tu tkpe, apasal not all of us can actually hide our misery(-ies) amongst those smiles and kisses? just why cant we?

apasal not everyone is strong like that? why?

tell me whats this for?

2009-10-25T02:30:00.002+08:00

sometimes.
when im left all alone, all by myself cooped up in my room to say, rot?,
some ridiculous random questions will start to race tengok sape sampai dulu dkt dlm kepale otak aku ni.
and then lepastu, confirm chop2 punye aku mcm stress.
and the feeling is damn taik.
well.
i think.
i dont deserve to be treated this way.
i dont need, what youd say, karma to hit me back to realize situations.
this is, afterall, changes.
changes you and i and every other living souls would make, prolly after a couple of shit mistakes theyve commited out of say, stupidity or immaturity?
but hey.
the point is, you and i learnt from it.
and thats why theres these things called "changes".
every other people would to, in a couple of stages in their lifes.
conferem chop punye.
but sometimes, they would tend to repeat.
you know why?
cause i guess, well i repeat, i guess, thats cause theyd take ones kindness as a weakness.
they take forgranted of it.
but sometimes i would think, well, shit do happen.
and sometimes i would think, maybe the sayings of "things happened for a reason or ade hikmah disebalik sesuatu" comes in really handy in this one.
at times i think, "eh betol jugak ckp kau eh?" when a kind generous soul would come lift me up with those words.
but yup.
to look on the almost brighter side of life, i would say and pls i am not boasting, i am somewhat changing.
i am.
and i thank whoevers aware of this for being by my side to witness these changes with me.
and thank you for giving me the invisible support too.
haha mcm menang grammys pulak.
tapi seriously.
thanks uh korang.
and i hope one day, god will bless you guys with all the good littlest things in life man.
and i hope one day, karma would in return strikes you back with whatever you have been doing to me.
seriously, i somehow think its always about karma.
karma exists.
it does.
and fate?
i sometimes think its bullshit.
is it?
cause it makes me wait for something that i know i will never have a chance to feel again.
to hold again.
and to prolly see again.
but still,
i am
waiting
for
karma
to
one
day
strikes
back
at
you.

satu bayek sialan punye pls!

self satisfaction

2009-10-21T04:07:00.006+08:00

today, i am a very happy woman. haha macam primary school wrong grammar. first, i met up with well, MY BEST FRIEND, y. haha actually nothing much uh. stakat pegi bike workshop. ok that was random. was supposed to get stickers at kedai aunty together with ali who was there too instead. oh ali got a new super four. power jigemek punye haha :) TAPI, y punye motor aleh2 mcm broke down on him dkt traffic light. so he detoured and push his bike to kaki bukit instead. i was from driving. and took a really huge detour from yio chu kang to kaki bukit. thanks to you uh y! oh btw nari aku off! haha best pe!haha ok. this was actually last two days. when i had to fork out THIS MUCH to get a fucking new phone due to my diligency(?) of losing my omnia 1. babi goreng betol. sape yg amek, in which i suspected the starbucks manager, hidop kau takkan selamat k sundal. so since samsung pixon 12 mcm baru launch last sat, aku mcm grab je uh considering aku slalu mcm left behind kalau ade phone yg baru launch. so now, aku boleh declare that, IVE GOT THE NEW COOLEST PHONE IN TOWN! HAHHAHA. so ape mau digicam beb? :Pabeh tadi, bile aku balek check email, aku dapat ni. ok uh ni mcm terlalu kecik. so whats written in the work email from a fellow colleague was, "5 piece bebeh....i'm pretty sure u like it..left in the container for ya.. :)" and you know what was he refering to?THIS! HAHAHHAHHAAHAHHAH. dbl MEGA pineapple jam biscuit! the best everrrr. so yup. thanks uh hindra. sweet pe kau.abeh, management send ni. ok. its abit too small too so yah. its actually a CARROM COMPETITION GODDAMNIT HAHA! cool pe sia carrom pon ade competition. y's going to like this hahahhaok. and today, haha yay! aku pass tp. wah! coolshityawwww. so actually, lepas balek dari workshop, we went over to y's place to get a p-plate from the hardware store. in which he sent me back to my place to get the keys. in which ali balek lepastu. y went off first. and i drove over to his place. he parked his bike and got a ride from ms sarajane haha! first time! first time uh abeh haha. oh and be honoured uh y. youre the first :) so i dropped him over at tampines ave 10 courts wher he met his family. and lepastu aku sorang. left for tampines west mcd. ok uh mau confident je uh. lagi2 aku tk pernah bwk kreta mlm. alhamdullilah i could manage on my own safely back to my place. and parking! woohoooo! aku tau park uh sioltz haha. k initially aku mcm takot nak park psl bile time blaja instructor aku ajar aku tgk sticker star yg die tampal dkt rear windscreen aje. so i was assuming kalau tkde star, aku takkan tau park. haha! kents pe kau sarah. so yup.so haha. to conclude, nari best gilerbabs! tapi yg tk best nye, aku punye supply da kering. haiya. one more week to pay day sia. kiwak lame pe sioltssssss :'(

wan matrep siaa

2009-10-20T04:31:00.005+08:00

streetDUDE TeX [ =/ ] says (3:53 PM): hahah! cooL. hahah woit kau leh tlg aku tak ? check fb acct aku masi ader tak ?

SaraJane says (3:55 PM): redhwan eh?

streetDUDE TeX [ =/ ] says (3:56 PM): yup2 try check kan ader tak ?

SaraJane says (3:56 PM): tkde. apasal sia? kau delete? redhwan az stg eh? tkde uh

streetDUDE TeX [ =/ ] says (3:57 PM): sial lah ex aku delete siak aku nyer acct puki btol

SaraJane says (3:58 PM): gitu peh rabaK eh

streetDUDE TeX [ =/ ] says (3:58 PM): tu lah cam suar siak. dier yg uat hal den mintak break skg nak delete acct aku lak

SaraJane says (4:06 PM): kk chill uh limit kau kene buat baru je and dont freaking give your password lah kental. just shows die tk percaye kau sia

streetDUDE TeX [ =/ ] says (4:07 PM): nmpk sah sial nyer pompan last2 ni yg aku dpt babi btol

ni uh typical jantan matrep. kate dulang, paku serpih. HAHAHHAHHA matrep2 pon handsome jugak eh kau -_- and no doubt aku suke tgk kau joget "tektonik" yg style jigemek tu haha!

because with you, i gave up hope

2009-10-17T03:55:00.002+08:00

i saw it, i despise and ill stick to that. no matter whatever youd tell me.

aku penat uh sia. aku penat.

eh mati uh kau. pls uh. mati uhh

kalau aku need help kau tolong pe sia. kau dont even think of typing anything on my fucking space. tu sundal jgk. tu sundal jgk. pukimak kau uh (k now hate me. sounds familiar?)

kiwak

i wish i was dumb

2009-10-14T01:21:00.003+08:00

wake me up from this nightmare,

ive seen it all before.

if this is never ending,

then tell me what its for?

is there anybody listening,

is there anybody care?

give me a hope to believe

then just take me away.

i wish i was dead,

i wish i was gone.

i wish i will surface till the end.

to move on and watch you go,

id rather stay and fall.

i wish there was something i could do,

or something i could take.

ive seen it all before,

so just take me away.

dear god

2009-10-08T04:57:00.008+08:00

i dont know for what hell reason, he is gone now.

the person i used to have a deep crush on.

the one i look forward bumping into in metal/punk gigs.

the one id normally talk about to my then bf.

the one whod carve a smile on my face whenever i bumped into him ard cityhall and such.

and.

the one i secretly longed to add on fb but dont have the guts to.

gosh.

though weve nvr talk before,

umm prolly just smiles and acknowledgements,

i still feel that bit of lost.

BRIAN. RIP man. im sure hell put you in a better place than ours.

moderation

2009-09-28T00:15:00.003+08:00

was supposed to meet up for f1 but. member paitao, now what's new? so i caught it on tv instead. i was amused at myself of course. on how i could really concentrate and ignored my uncle for awhile while he was talking to me :P

haniways. y made an attempt to make up for it and so we met up downstair to catch up for awhile before he booked in for camp. camp? hah! eh thanks! that was sweet of you :)

just nw when i logged on into fb, i accepted a friends request. a sec sch friend ive longed to talk to and hes umm three years older?

and i made a point to browse through his friends list, and came across farina. damn that cute woman. shes now engaged to afiq alr. kimak. dorang lame giler lah siaaa. i think like say, 9, 10 years alr? tsk tsk tsk. and then another woman. ok umm was it shidah? ok aku luper. haniways, this woman here is alr married to her long time high sch lover too! goodness! aku envy sia org2 gini. abeh buat aku terpikir psl nk kahwin hahahhaha. kiwak! k. stop it.

oh well tonight, im all good! :)) cause we texted. and you, made me a whole new happy person. thank you for assuring me yet again.

2009-09-27T06:57:00.002+08:00

sometimes when youve managed to forget about something thatve hurt you sometime ago, the problem tends to reemerge.

and when it suddenly did afew moments ago just cause the albums forever are going to be up ther, i started to cry.

i cried and sought for gods help. gods help to try to calm me down, and prolly tell me that "its the past, and everythings gonna be alright".

insyallah.

nasrin here i come!

2009-09-27T04:01:00.002+08:00

a brand new friend, a brand new experience altogether.

HELLO D! :)

and ever since i lost my bestfriend in a road traffic accident and has since been living bestfriendless for the past one year or so, ive decided today is the day i turn Y into my new bestfriend! :) (though i know theres no such thing as replacing a bestfriend)

so HELLO TO YOU BESTIE(sounds gay!)!! >.<

mount faber

2009-09-23T02:52:00.003+08:00

ye elehhh. kau stakat tukar date je? takot member kesayangan kau mati pe? hah! aku tk heran uh brader. harap2, the nexttime tetap accident uh. insyallah, amin. mudah2an doa aku termakbul uh